Libbie's Page

5/3/09---I'm still struggling every day...I ordered some books that Mo recommended: "The Soul of Your Pet: Evidence for the Survival of Animals After Death" by Scott S. Smith, "Animals and the Afterlife: True Stories of Our Best Friends' Journey Beyond Death" by Kim Sheridan, "Healing Grief" by James van Praagh and 'For Every Dog An Angel'. I look forward to reading them and look forward to the comfort and solace they'll bring. We've been noticing some of Libbie's characteristics coming out in Max. Libbie used to lick the back of Bret's hand and forearm, face and sometimes his leg, if he was wearing shorts. She'd keep licking for as long as he'd let her. She would only lick him and no one else and did it nearly every day. One day while she was hooked to an IV at the doctor's, we were sitting on the floor w/her and she was licking away. The doctor thought it was b/c she was nervous but we explained that she did it all the time. She'd kind of zone out while she did it, like when cats knead. I think she found it very relaxing. Max, who has never done that before is now doing it...to Bret only. Libbie used to always perk up her ears and stare as she'd listen to sounds no one else could hear but her. Max has been doing that lately...never has before. Libbie was always very gentle when taking treats. You could put a sunflower seed btn your teeth...she'd smell it, and ever so gently take it w/o even touching your lips....chew it up and sit patiently for the next one. Max on the other hand goes after treats very aggressively and practically swallows the treat whole w/o chewing. There's no way we would put anything btn our teeth for him to take. Lately he's been taking treats gently so I've been putting them in my mouth and he's been gently taking them. I've been talking to Max a lot about Libbie. I don't want him to forget her so I say her name as if I was talking to her. His ears perk up and he looks around then I feel bad like I'm teasing him but that's not my intention. I also find myself talking about Libbie in the present form like she's still here. I often get asked at the vet, “How many pets do you have?” or “Do you have any pets?” If it’s a client I barely know I respond, “Yes, 2 dogs. “ And when we talk, for those few moments I can pretend Libbie is still here and it feels good. For now its easier, because when I think of her being gone I start to cry and I don’t know these people well enough to let them see me cry. Bret went four wheeling for a few days and I had a really tough time being alone. He's home now and it helps. I think I wasn't ready to be by myself yet.   
 
I've come to realize that there are many more pet people out there than I knew. I think they stay in hiding until they hear someone else speaking about their pet as if it was their child. It's unfortunate some have such a difficult time expressing their true feelings about how they feel about their pets but it's a good feeling knowing that there are so many understanding, empathetic people out there.
 
5/6/09 It's been one month....had a very difficult day...for Bret too...he sent me this email, "Seems like a lot longer since I was able to hold her in my arms and get kissies. I thought about the actual moment this morning for the first time in a while and it hurt just as bad. Wonder if that will ever go away?" I think about that moment so many times throughout the day...I wish those thoughts would go away.

5/9/09 It's our 28th wedding anniversary today. We went to the mountains for several beautiful days. We brought Libbie as usual and I'm still talking to her as if she were here and am finding that comforting....of course that makes me cry to but the intense pain is subsiding.Spring has definitely sprung up here and all the plants, flowers and trees are blooming. Took a lot of pictures of the creek and the second waterfall that is flowing now as well as pictures of us with Max and Max alone. Feels empty taking and looking at the pictures without Libbie and just Max sitting in a picture all by himself and only one of us holding a dog. Our "family" pictures always included both dogs, me holding one and Bret holding the other...now one of us is always dogless...

5/12/09 I received my books and read"For Every Dog an Angel" and am half way through "The Soul of Your Pet". Amazing stories...and animals. I cry while I'm reading but they are healing tears and the stories are helping bring good memories back. Diana gave me a picture frame with paw prints where the pictures go so I went through photo albums to find pictures of Libbie and Max as well as all the cats we've had to put in the frame. Looking at the pictures, especially Libbie's, made me cry so it took awhile to get through them all but I felt so blessed to have all of them in my life and in my heart and looking at the pictures and remembering made me thankful. Max is doing well and doesn't go around her bed as often anymore. Bret has his moments too and Travis says he misses her and thinks about her a lot too.

5/14/09---Max was sitting on the balcony in his bed. He almost always lays his head down and goes to sleep. Libbie on the other hand always had her head up looking around everywhere. Today, when I walked from the bathroom to the bedroom I looked to see if he was ok and he had his head up, ears perked and looked exactly like Libbie sitting there. So much so I took a step back and did a double take. But I wasn't in the exact same spot so I moved around until the squares on the window lined up just perfectly...so that they cut off part of his thick blaze and part of his wider muzzle and I stood there and stared at "Libbie". It looked exactly like her profile...it was unbelievable. I was standing next to the armoire and didn't want that vision and feeling to go away. Then it felt like a lightning bolt went through my body and I fell back losing my perfect view. By the time I lined everything back up again Max moved and she was gone.

5/15/09---Today I was asked, "Do you have any pets?" and I was finally able to choke out the words, "Yes, I have a dog." Tears welled up and I wasn't able to mention that we'd lost Libbie and I felt horrible leaving her out of the conversation. But as we kept talking about the cat she'd lost 2 weeks ago, I was able to somehow get the words out w/o breaking up too much.

5/16/09---Yesterday and today Max has been diving after kleenix's...just like Libbie. Max could care less about seeing a kleenix but Libbie would eyeball one from across the room; look back and forth between me and the kleenix, waiting for that right moment that she could dive at it without being noticed. Then she'd shred it up, chew up little spit balls, then walk away from it. Max did that yesterday and again today. One was laying on the nightstand this morning...since Libbie's not here to dive bomb away at them I no longer worry about leaving one laying around...but Max was laying on the bed, saw it and grabbed it....just like Libbie...shred it up, made spit balls and left it.

5/30/09---We went on a hike not far from our mountain home to these natural granite rock waterslides and falls. About half way there we encountered a swarm of butterflies of varying shapes and sizes. As we continued to walk this one particular butterfly kept with us as the others flew away. It fluttered low to the ground up ahead then stopped and fluttered around in circles as if waiting for us to catch up.Then flew back and around us again. I immediately noticed that the wings were black and brown with one white stripe on each wing. I thought how similar it looked to Libbies white stripes on the sides of her body between her black fur and her brown fur. Max does not have this pattern. You can see how the strip goes from her thigh into her hip as seen here in this picture===>>

This one butterfly stayed with us for a long time, well after all the others vanished. I watched it intently as it flew back and forth around us. It looked so happy and free and reminded me so much of Libbie when she went for walks. Several times the butterfly came back and fluttered around Max too even fluttering right in front of his face so much so that he nipped at it and chased it as if they were playing together. I couldn't take my eyes off this special butterfly the entire time and kept remembering what it was like to walk with Libbie and how similar this butterfly was not only to Libbie's coloring but to her personality as well. After we turned off the main trail into the woods the butterfly disappeared. However, on the way back this same butterfly or one that looked exactly like it suddenly appeared again and fluttered along with us for a long time. I purposely stayed back from Bret who was now walking Max and who was unaware of this relationship that had developed between me and this mysterious butterfly. I talked softly to it as if it were Libbie. I felt very happy and at peace inside. I hoped the butterfly would stay with me forever but knew that wasn't going to happen so I just enjoyed the time I got to spend and observe it and enjoy it while it lasted. I wondered what the significance of butterflies was, if any. When we came home I googled it...here's what I found: The butterfly has become a metaphor for transformation and hope; across cultures, it has become a symbol for rebirth and resurrection, for the triumph of the spirit and the soul over the physical material world. A butterfly is also seen as the personification of a person's soul; whether they be living, dying, or already dead. One Japanese superstition says that if a butterfly enters your guestroom and perches behind the bamboo screen, the person whom you most love is coming to see you. The ancient Greek work for "butterfly" means "soul", "mind". In some old cultures, butterflies also symbolize rebirth into a new life after being inside a cocoon for a period of time.

7/6/09---It's been 3 months today...it's even a Monday...same day of the week she left us...it's been a difficult day but so has every day since she's been gone. We brought her here with us to the mountains like we do everytime we come here and we still cry every day...some days much more than others but still, every day there are tears.

7/13/09---We volunteered at the Livestrong Challenge today. We both pinned an "In Memory of LIBBIE" sign to our shirts and wore them with pride. Bret wrote Libbies name on the street with Livestrong chalk and drew a heart around it. The Tour de France started last weekend and I sent in a message, ("Libbie, We love you and miss you bunches") to be printed on the street during the tour with their new "chalkbot" machine.

8/10---As we decorate the mountain house I'm moving Libbie around to different places other than the windowsill in the kitchen. I like having her near me and where I can see her and talk to her. It's almost as if she's still here and present. We've always said that when Max goes we'll mix his ashes with hers and bury them in the front yard together. Now the thought of that doesn't feel right. I don't want her to be in the ground and covered up. Then it will feel like she's gone...out of sight...out of mind. I don't want her buried there now or Max either....when his time comes. I don't care if people come in to the house and get creeped out by seeing her sitting there. I want her here, close, visible. So as of right now I think that's where she'll stay when we're up here. When we're at the other house she'll continue to live in our bedroom on the armoire shelf so I can see her through the glass. When we move up here permanently and get new bedroom furniture then maybe she''ll move in the bedroom with us.

8/14---I've been reading, "Animals and the Afterlife" and was shocked when I read this part, "it is very common to feel a drop in temperature during a contact from the spirit world"...and "the sensation could be very, very cold--almost ice cold". For years, every once in awhile I feel a very cold rush of air brush across me that comes from nowhere. I would notice it then dismiss it once I realized there were no open doors or windows in the house. It happens in the kitchen, hallway, bedroom...anywhere. I never knew what it meant or thought much of its significance until I read this yesterday. Now it makes sense though I don't have any idea who was making "contact' with me. Tom and Millie spent a couple days with us and we talked a lot about Libbie...not that she's ever far from my mind but it's not often that I speak of her outloud...just in my heart. So I went to bed and woke up in the middle of a dream. I don't remember the first part of the dream but what I do remember is this...I had a very intense, cold sensation that started at the top of my head. I was still asleep at this point and as the cold sensation filled my entire head and face it began to move down my neck and spine and get even colder. As the feeling of cold increased, the sensation began to change as well. My body began to shake and tremble like an earthquake as if my body was splitting apart from the inside out. As the sensation continued to move down through my hips and legs the cold and rumbling increased and I began to slowly come out of the dream state and be more and more awake so by the time it go to my feet I was completly awake and freezing cold with goosebumps all over. I was wide awake at this point with my heart pounding and body shivering. Could this be Libbie's way of contacting me and telling me she's here??? I will be more aware of the "signs" and more alert and responsive to those things that seemed so coincidental before.

8/26--Found out that Max has a mass in his spleen. Yesterday an ultrasound verified that it was a solid mass. Dr. Welsh is removing his spleen today; a splenectomy. We know he's in good hands but are very concerned about his health. We're hoping it's not malignant even though it appears to be and considering Libbie's cancer was in her spleen, liver and lymph nodes it increases his chances of being malignant. The ultrasound and rads did not show masses in his other organs but they will be biopsied. It's like deja vu all over again. We're still grieving for Libbie and can't believe this is happening. His story is here.

8/29/09--Dr. Welsh called with the results of Max's lab tests and there is no cancer!!! What a huge relief. The mass was a hematoma!!! We couldn't believe this fantastic news and were so happy for him.

11/2/09--Happy Birfday Bibbie Lou!!!! Who's the birfday Girl?!?!?! I miss you and love you bunches!!! I had several tough moments thruout the day and cried often. We are in GT because I didn't think I could handle being home without her. It was a very somber day but we tried to make the day good for Max so we went to the American River. We fed ducks and watched the rapids wishing Libbie could have been here....she would have liked it. In April Bret bought a "special" bottle of tequila to keep and toast to Libbie so today seemed like the appropriate day. We sat in the living room in front of the fire place and did the toast....well Bret did because I was sobbing too much to talk. I miss her so much...when will the pain go away.

2/20/10--I know it's been a long time since I've written...but not an hour goes by that I don't think about my precious Bibbie Lou. I often find myself purposely trying not to think about her because it hurts so much when I do. I can't believe it's been almost a year and yes I still cry for her. I hate the thought of moving and leaving all of her memories in this house behind though I'm so grateful to have memories and pictures of her in GT too. I couldn't bear moving there if that weren't the case...I have so many pictures of her at that house since she followed me everywhere and seemed to be in every picture. Though it's difficult to see current pictures I've take without her in them to replace the old ones. We still take her with us everytime we go up---she goes in her box and sits by my feet in the truck. I put her on our dresser in the bedroom and still talk to her often....gosh, I wish she could be here with me. Bret took a picture of Max in front of the fireplace with his phone and said he deleted it because "there was a ghost in the picture". When he told me this I told him it was probably Libbie because she loved to sit in front of the fireplace and if she were here that's where she'd be. Bret said he had deleted the picture because of the "smudge" and was now sorry he did because it probably was Libbie. I didnt' see the picture but I know she was there and Max was probably sitting right next to her. So I'm sitting here crying my eyes out because I miss her so much which is exactly why I haven't written is no long....it just hurts so much I can barely stand it. We still haven't decided on a memorial bench...or rather the inscription to be written on the bench. We found a place to go but can't agree on what the inscription will read. Bret is in a very happy place and wants something positive, however I'm still grieving and want something different. We did have a really nice snow globe made with her picture, birth/death date inscribed, with angel confetti and snow inside. It's really nice and I like it a lot.

4/6/10--Filled in today for Cathy. Not sure if that's good or bad but I had already committed weeks ago before realizing the date. Would rather have been home with Bret but maybe better to be busy. Agreed to work til noon only so will still have time to be home. As it turned out we had an emotional euthanasia at the vet. It was a difficult day as has been everyday since she's been gone. It's been a constant effort to try to remember her with happy memories. Her bed and blanket are still on the living room floor as are her toys. I did manage to finish her memorial book. Travis is also having a tough time but fortunately Bret is able to focus on the positive things Libbie brought into our lives. We took Max to La Colina Park in memory of Libbie. Felt like yesterday that we had our last walk here with her. I remember walking with her in her wagon and a passerby rolled down their window and said how cute she was...if they only knew where we were going and why and why she had to be in the wagon. The closer it got to 5:00 the harder it was to keep the vivid memories of her passing from taking over my every thought. Though I had cried throughout the day and in previous days, the tears just wouldn't stop pouring out. It has gotten easier over the last year to not cry at every thought of her but I still miss her so much and think of her everyday and the tears still come so easily.

5/13/10--We drove up to GT after my last day at Wildwood to stay permenantly. We unloaded everything and got to bed very late. I was in bed while Bret was finishing up a few things outside. He came in to show mewhat he found sitting on the porch. It wa the biggest butterfly I've ever seen. He was holding it in his hands and said it just let him pick it up. It was HUGE and for me a definite sign that Libbie is here with us in GT. Just what I needed to know. /30/10

6/30/10--There has been this beautiful butterfly following both of us around all over the property for the last several days. It looks like the one I saw on 5/30/09 when we hiked to the waterfalls. This butterfly is there to greet us when we walk outside in the morning; it flutters around while I'm working in the garden; when I take a shower it waits outside the bathroom window; it even landed on my leg one day. I talk to it as if it were Libbie and cry every time it's around . I still miss Libbie more than ever and it still hurts so much to not have her in my life. Libbie sits on our dresser in our bedroom next to Kitty. Bret carefully dug around where she was buried until he came upon her remains which were mummified. We took her to Caring Pet Services and had her cremated and put in an urn similar to Libbie's.

7/29/10--I've had this recurring dream about Libbie being swept down a river. I'm running along the shore trying to save her but the rapids are too swift and she's moving too fast. All I can see is her bobbing head and her eyes filled with fear and she's desparate to get out. I wake up before I can save her because I feel so helpless and terrified that she's going to drown. So today Bret and I went to the middle fork of the American River in Auburn. We took 2 water ski tubes, paddles and life jackets. We parked in the motorcycle park and carried our picnic lunch to a place alongside the river. We sat there for a bit and then the butterfly described above started fluttering around and stayed for quite some time. When we were ready we carried our tubes and paddle up river to get in the water. The rapids seemed so mild we decided to leave our life jackets in the truck. The first few rapids were very mild so we kept going and eventually got into trouble as I got hung up on a big boulder where the water kept pulling me and the tube into the rock and under the water. Bret came and pulled and pushed me loose then he got stuck. All of a sudden a ranger and several other people came out of the woods and started yelling at us to get out. The current had picked up quite a bit and I was being swept downriver faster than I could paddle to safety. What the ranger told us later was that this part of the river was too dangerous for rafters and not allowed. I was also heading for a rapid called, "murderer's bar" where a few weeks before a man drowned. It took rescuers 28 hours to recover his body. Since I couldn't paddle hard enough or fast enough in the water I decided to jump out of the tube and try to swim across the river to reach the shore. By now Bret had freed himself and was on the opposite side of the river as me. I eventually got out before reaching murderer's bar and walked back upstream, over slippery rocks, through mud, muck and mire, and around boulders, until I found a place where I felt comfortable enough to cross back over. Bret stood in the river downstream to catch me in case I couldn't paddle across and the ranger stood farther downriver in case I went past Bret. I got in the tube and started to paddle across but couldn't so Bret grabbed me as I went by. After we got back to the shore we went back to our picnic area and sat down to reflect on our stupidity,and that butterfly came back again. So I believe that Libbie, the butterfly, my guardian angel, was there to help me and somehow, in the cosmic way of things, that it's all connected to my recurring dreams.